2025 NFL Draft Diary

Welcome to the “Casual Fan” section of The Show Notes! This is where I talk about sports. Certain aspects of what you read here, such as the depth of the analysis and amount of objectivity, will vary depending on a number of different factors. I promise to always be entertaining, though. If you like this, check out my show!

Did you know NFL Draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. eats pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning? Well, that’s not entirely true. I just watched a TikTok clip of Tim Kurkjian’s podcast where Kiper explained his bizarre breakfast habits. Apparently, it’s hard to find good pumpkin pie for a quarter of the year. During the pumpkin pie offseason, he switches to brownies.

Anyways, it’s time for the 2025 NFL Draft! I’m trying to lose weight, so I had a protein bar for breakfast, but I promise to be entertaining in spite of this.

8:08 pm ET — Roger Goodell just rode out on a bicycle. He was accompanied by former Green Bay Packers and Lil Wayne. I didn’t know the draft was in Green Bay until now. I don’t know why Lil Wayne is here.

8:09 pm ET — Lil Wayne is a diehard Packers fan. That’s why he’s here. I had forgotten about this.

8:13 pm ET — The Titans are expected to pick QB Cam Ward with the first pick. Louis Riddick is comparing him to Patrick Mahomes. What’s the point of doing that?

8:16 pm ET — They picked Patrick Mahomes Cam Ward.

8:17 pm ET — Adam Schefter, who I hate, has interrupted Ward’s walk to the stage to announce a trade. The Jags are trading up for the 2nd pick to select Travis Hunter, the Shohei Ohtani of football. When you need help at every position, you make trades to pick guys who play every position. This makes sense!

8:24 pm ET — Hunter seems legitimately excited to be picked. Can’t wait for Riddick to compare him to Jerry Rice and Champ Bailey.

8:31 pm ET — Abdul Carter clearly rehearsed a handshake routine with Goodell. I know we’re supposed to hate him, but Roger is winning me over.

8:38 pm ET — The Patriots draft a tackle, but he’s got short arms! What idiots!

8:42 pm ET — Greeny is pretty much saying this draft has been boring so far, and I have to agree. They’re interviewing the short-armed tackle, and he seems like a good kid, so now I feel bad. I was just joking. His arms look normal to me. It was that pumpkin pie fiend Kiper who was saying it.

8:46 pm ET — Booger McFarland has been incredibly positive about all of the picks while still managing to sprinkle in some critiques. As an NBA fan, this is jarring.

8:48 pm ET — The Raiders are on the clock. The only Raiders fan I know is Joey Tucker, aka Mr. Enlightment. He’s having a poetry show on Friday, May 16th, at Hobcaw Brewing in Mt. Pleasant. I’ll be the MC. You should come! He said he’d like them to draft Ashton Jeanty, and guess what? They just did. Jeanty is a monster, and he’s going to 9/11 conspiracy theorist Pete Carroll, who did a hell of a job using Marshawn Lynch, except that one time.

8:52 pm ET — Holy shit, Louis Riddick is comparing Jeanty to Emmitt Smith. He cannot be stopped.

9:00 pm ET — The Panthers are on the clock, so I’m stress-eating. However, I’m going with veggie straws to keep it healthier than Mel. I don’t even know who I want the Panthers to pick. I just know that them being terrible has really done a number on my NFL fandom.

9:03 pm ET — Loving all of the heartwarming NFL commercials that try to make you forget that they’re one of the most cutthroat corporate entities ever.

9:04 pm ET — The Panthers draft WR Tetairoa McMillan, and Kiper is not feeling the pick. Ah shit, neither is Booger. Luckily, you can eat your bodyweight in veggie straws, and it’s like 1/10th of the calories of a slice of pumpkin pie.

9:08 pm ET — The Saints are on the clock. Greeny just informed us that they haven’t selected a QB in the first round since 1971! Archie Manning! That’s insane. They just picked a tackle, but I’d rather talk about my obsession with Cajun food TikToks. I used leftover Easter eggs to make this Cajun boil with andouille sausage and shrimp. Whew, shit it was good. Also, go follow Gerald Gruenig on social media. He took a second to grow on me, and I’d hate to be behind him when he’s placing his order, but his energy and the food he showcases won me over.

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9:15 pm ET — When you start booing Roger too much, he comes out and talks about someone who died. Also, the Bears just drafted a TE named Colston Loveland. Perfect snoozefest of a pick by that team. No team has been more boring on offense over the course of my life than the Bears.

9:25 pm ET — You are not supposed to wear your contacts for 16 hours. Learn from my mistakes.

9:27 pm ET — I was secretly hoping the Cowboys would draft Shedeur. Instead, they went with G Tyler Booker. I don’t even know who his dad is. His Wikipedia page has him listed at over 67 feet tall. Big if true.

9:34 pm ET — Quick break to keep my Duolingo streak alive. 1215 days. All I can say is, “Mi perro tiene una chaqueta bonita.”

9:36 pm ET — Mel Kiper Jr.’s analysis for Dolphins draft pick Kenneth Grant is that he needs to manage his weight. Mel manages his by using fat-free whipped cream on his pumpkin pie and brownies. Also, he doesn’t eat the crust of the pie because that’s where all of the hydrogenated oils are. Seems like an odd thing to worry about if you have a pumpkin pie/brownie for breakfast streak longer than my Duolingo streak, but okay.

9:46 pm ET — They are now showing us all of the QBs who have dropped in the draft. So yeah, things not going great for Shedeur. We’re getting very close to the point where he could fall to the 2nd round.

9:57 pm ET — Deion Sanders AFLAC commercial!

10:02 pm ET — Just watched the last 0.5 seconds of the Knicks-Pistons game, and Pistons C Jalen Duren was inbounding the ball for a potential game-winning/tying shot and airmailed it out of bounds. Coach J.B. Bickerstaff has been very good this year, but what the fuck is that? As soon as I saw it was Duren passing it in, I knew it was over. In football terms, it’s like drawing up a play where your middle linebacker is the QB.

10:07 pm ET — Greeny keeps reminding us that only 1 QB has been picked so far.

10:13 pm ET — Whose fans do you think of as being more sunburned: Jaguars or Buccaneers? Bucs just drafted WR Emeka Egbuka. They are determined to have Baker Mayfield throw for 6,000 yards in a season.

10:20 pm ET — Started booing Roger again, and now he’s standing there with a Make-A-Wish kid.

10:22 pm ET — Steelers are on the clock. This might be Shedeur’s last chance for the first round. Pittsburgh is in discussions with Aaron Rodgers as well, who Greeny has reminded us two dozen times now, also slid during his draft.

10:25 pm ET — No Shedeur for Pittsburgh!

10:37 pm ET — The home crowd is on the clock. Honestly, there are a shit ton of people there. Fans of all teams. Now, this doesn’t seem like something I’d personally enjoy, but I respect the commitment to the fandom. These are the types of diehard fans who curse out my dog when he doesn’t pick their team to win.

10:46 pm ET — They dragged this shit out forever, but it was worth it to hear the crowd lose their minds over drafting a wide receiver for the first time since 2002. Javon Walker! Remember him? They let their pick this year, Matthew Golden, talk to the crowd. They could speed this whole production up, but that was a neat moment.

10:52 pm ET — The Giants have traded back into the first round at #25 to draft a QB allegedly.

10:56 pm ET — Okay, my own social media investigation shows that Giants’ GM Joe Schoen’s son shared a Jaxson Dart highlight tape on IG before making his account private. I believe this is the same son who advised Joe to draft Jayden Daniels. Joe did not listen.

10:59 pm ET — They picked Dart! My goodness. I don’t understand this at all, other than it’s the Giants.

11:04 pm ET — They always show everyone in a team’s draft room shaking hands and celebrating. I want to see an all-out brawl after a pick. Give me drama.

11:14 pm ET — The Ravens just drafted S Malaki Starks. He seems like he might very well tackle someone right now. That’s enough to convince me that this was a good pick.

11:26 pm ET — I’m going to pass the fuck out if they don’t hurry up with this shit.

11:30 pm ET — Another Make-A-Wish kid! Now I feel bad for rushing him. Damnit, Goodell!

11:44 pm ET — And the first round is officially over. The big story is obviously no Shedeur Sanders. The Browns and Saints both draft early in the 2nd round and need a QB, so I can’t imagine him dropping much further. I was also surprised that Nick Emmanwori didn’t get picked either. His combine showing seemed to shoot him up draft boards, but apparently, I was looking at the wrong draft boards.

Alright, I’m exhausted. Gotta get to sleep so I can wake up and have my slice of pumpkin pie. Thanks for reading!